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Wednesday, August 31, 2011
goddamn it science
I was watching "the switch" with jason bateman and jen aniston, and it was a completely delightful movie and totally better than i thought it would be--but all i could think about for almost the entire movie was how it was nearly genetically impossible for the two of them to have had that brown-eyed child. I really dont want to be that person.
Tuesday, August 30, 2011
Friday, August 26, 2011
the big facebook page in the sky
Ive always thought that it was way creepy when people passed away and their friends continued to write on their facebook pages. It always seemed inappropriate--or maybe not inappropriate, but like a creepy thing that digital generation kids did that sort of indicated the slipping of their collective grip on reality. Something always just felt strange.
But last night my mom's cousin Logan died very suddenly of a massive heart attack. He was part of that group of Wisconsin relatives whom I have always adored for their midwestern honesty and crassness. I definitely get my sense of humor from that side--just yesterday i posted something on my wall about almost barfing in the sink after brushing my teeth, and he and one of my other family members from that side immediately gave it a thumbs up.
But anyway--since the news of his passing, his facebook wall has been flooded with messages. Some are personal to him, wishing him well in heaven, some are condolences to the family, others are jokes for him that are just enough in poor taste to be totally appropriate for him. And it doesnt seem weird or creepy. It seems really comforting, like everyone has this place where they can go to share their memories and sadness, and to be comforted by the fact that they arent alone in their feelings, and that he was never alone in his life.
And its not cyberfeelings or people not being personal or not understanding that the loss is real--quite the opposite. Its a place where people can genuinely share what this person meant to them, even with people they have never met and may never meet. Reading all of the great, funny things that people have to say about Logan has brought me so much comfort today, and made me feel not quite as far from home.
But last night my mom's cousin Logan died very suddenly of a massive heart attack. He was part of that group of Wisconsin relatives whom I have always adored for their midwestern honesty and crassness. I definitely get my sense of humor from that side--just yesterday i posted something on my wall about almost barfing in the sink after brushing my teeth, and he and one of my other family members from that side immediately gave it a thumbs up.
But anyway--since the news of his passing, his facebook wall has been flooded with messages. Some are personal to him, wishing him well in heaven, some are condolences to the family, others are jokes for him that are just enough in poor taste to be totally appropriate for him. And it doesnt seem weird or creepy. It seems really comforting, like everyone has this place where they can go to share their memories and sadness, and to be comforted by the fact that they arent alone in their feelings, and that he was never alone in his life.
And its not cyberfeelings or people not being personal or not understanding that the loss is real--quite the opposite. Its a place where people can genuinely share what this person meant to them, even with people they have never met and may never meet. Reading all of the great, funny things that people have to say about Logan has brought me so much comfort today, and made me feel not quite as far from home.
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Thursday, August 25, 2011
The Katy Perry Cycle of Shame
I hate katy perry. Everything about her annoys me--her outfits are stupid, her makeup and costumes are hideous, theres even something about her face that is intensely irritating to me.
But every time she comes out with a new single, this is what happens:
1. I hear the song for the first time. I recognize her voice a few seconds in, i begin listening to the lyrics. As the song progresses, my insides begin to twist with revulsion. I swear nonsensically inside my head, because i am so annoyed that i cant even yell out loud. I think about the fact that jay clifford never made it big and she did, and despair not only for the future of music, but the future of our very world.
2. A few days later, the song plays again. I shudder, roll my eyes, and switch the station to alt portland. I feel self-satisfied.
3. A few days later, the song comes on again. I notice that the chorus has a catchy tune, and listen to it. I tell myself that its just the melody, the song is still totally stupid. I linger momentarily but switch the station after the second chorus, because its still stupid.
4. The song comes on again. Im in a good mood for some reason and tolerate it. I sort of dance in my seat. The lyrics are still dumb but its so catchy!
5. Im channel surfing and run across the song. Not only do i leave it on, i crank it and sing along because i know a lot of the lyrics now. Im embarassed because i realize that i am part of the problem. I am helping to feed the monster, and am no better than katy perry herself. I reflect on the fact that we even have the same name.
6. Katy Perry drops a new single. Its so fucking stupid.
But every time she comes out with a new single, this is what happens:
1. I hear the song for the first time. I recognize her voice a few seconds in, i begin listening to the lyrics. As the song progresses, my insides begin to twist with revulsion. I swear nonsensically inside my head, because i am so annoyed that i cant even yell out loud. I think about the fact that jay clifford never made it big and she did, and despair not only for the future of music, but the future of our very world.
2. A few days later, the song plays again. I shudder, roll my eyes, and switch the station to alt portland. I feel self-satisfied.
3. A few days later, the song comes on again. I notice that the chorus has a catchy tune, and listen to it. I tell myself that its just the melody, the song is still totally stupid. I linger momentarily but switch the station after the second chorus, because its still stupid.
4. The song comes on again. Im in a good mood for some reason and tolerate it. I sort of dance in my seat. The lyrics are still dumb but its so catchy!
5. Im channel surfing and run across the song. Not only do i leave it on, i crank it and sing along because i know a lot of the lyrics now. Im embarassed because i realize that i am part of the problem. I am helping to feed the monster, and am no better than katy perry herself. I reflect on the fact that we even have the same name.
6. Katy Perry drops a new single. Its so fucking stupid.
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Sunday, August 21, 2011
I think i would make a really good husband.
1. I dont mind letting someone else call the shots. I would be perfectly content with one of those wives who calls all the shots on decorating and vacationing and childrearing and whatnot.
2. I would be a great provider. My wife would be able to stay home with the kids if she wanted, OR we could get a nanny, her choice. Im of course speaking in terms of a couple of years from now when im actually in my real job, but still.
3. I would love for her to have "girls nights" at the house while i went and had some beers with friends at the bar. She could host jewelry parties or whatever and I would be totally cool with that.
4. I would make a great secondary parent. Everyone knows that the mom is the real parent who is the bad guy and does all the disciplining and makes everyone do their homework, while the dad works and comes home and night and is the fun parent. I could be the mom if i had to obviously, but i think everyone know that being the dad is wayyyyy more fun.
2. I would be a great provider. My wife would be able to stay home with the kids if she wanted, OR we could get a nanny, her choice. Im of course speaking in terms of a couple of years from now when im actually in my real job, but still.
3. I would love for her to have "girls nights" at the house while i went and had some beers with friends at the bar. She could host jewelry parties or whatever and I would be totally cool with that.
4. I would make a great secondary parent. Everyone knows that the mom is the real parent who is the bad guy and does all the disciplining and makes everyone do their homework, while the dad works and comes home and night and is the fun parent. I could be the mom if i had to obviously, but i think everyone know that being the dad is wayyyyy more fun.
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Saturday, August 20, 2011
The worst
I think that after a breakup, the worst part isnt the emotional pain, or adjusting to singleness, or the random memories that hit you out of nowhere like Vietnam PTSD. The worst part comes about six weeks later, in the moment when you pick up the phone to make an appointment for a bikini wax, and then hang up because you realize aint nobody down there no mo.
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adulthood
I think that becoming a grownup is something that creeps up on you for the most part. Its not like a door you walk through or a trophy you win or anything like that.
But I had a profound adult experience today, where i was watcing the barista make my latte, and i realized that if all went as planned, i would literally never have to work in foodservice again. At the same time however, i was really proud that i had the sort of upbringing where, if i really needed to, i COULD work in food service again. It really felt like I had turned a corner or something, because not having to work in foodsevice again is something that is definitely earned, and is consequently attached to a profound sense of achievement.
But I had a profound adult experience today, where i was watcing the barista make my latte, and i realized that if all went as planned, i would literally never have to work in foodservice again. At the same time however, i was really proud that i had the sort of upbringing where, if i really needed to, i COULD work in food service again. It really felt like I had turned a corner or something, because not having to work in foodsevice again is something that is definitely earned, and is consequently attached to a profound sense of achievement.
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Thursday, August 18, 2011
also...
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just some thoughts. idle night.
I HATE strapless wedding gowns. They are so boring. Major propz to princess kate.
Whatever happened to helen hunt? Remember when she was in every single movie for like 2 years?
Today there was an article about how gwenyth paltrow saved a woman's life on 9/11, because she almost ran the woman down in her giant ass mercedes and the woman took so long to compose herself that she missed her train to work at the world trade center. And you know, gwenyth paltrow is such an insufferable cunt that i feel like its totally fitting that probably the only selfless act of kindness she ever performed for another person involved accidentally almost killing them.
Today i was sitting outside in the sun during a break and my classmates toddler ran over and randomly latched itself onto my leg like a starfish and would not let go, and while i was like "oh, what a little character, ha ha" to its dad, it was staring up into my face and babbling in incoherent joy. Why do kids like me, it is so weird.
Im watching americas sweethearts, and am dying because hank azaria plays catherine zj's spanish boyfriend, and he pronounces "press junket" "preth honket."
Whatever happened to helen hunt? Remember when she was in every single movie for like 2 years?
Today there was an article about how gwenyth paltrow saved a woman's life on 9/11, because she almost ran the woman down in her giant ass mercedes and the woman took so long to compose herself that she missed her train to work at the world trade center. And you know, gwenyth paltrow is such an insufferable cunt that i feel like its totally fitting that probably the only selfless act of kindness she ever performed for another person involved accidentally almost killing them.
Today i was sitting outside in the sun during a break and my classmates toddler ran over and randomly latched itself onto my leg like a starfish and would not let go, and while i was like "oh, what a little character, ha ha" to its dad, it was staring up into my face and babbling in incoherent joy. Why do kids like me, it is so weird.
Im watching americas sweethearts, and am dying because hank azaria plays catherine zj's spanish boyfriend, and he pronounces "press junket" "preth honket."
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Monday, August 15, 2011
well, that was stressful
I went to telluride to spend some time with the fam this weekend, and its amazing how a little time and distance can make me completely forget how fucked up we are. No more so than most families i guess, but context is everything, and and i doubt many other people have had their mother storm out after a heated argument with their father in the beverage car of a vintage steam locomotive.
And honestly, i feel as if most of the drama involving the entire family usually revolves around my brother and the fact that he is a complete fucking sociopath. Details are boring, but what it all comes down to is that if i weren't obligated by blood to love him, i would hate him. Kind of do anyway, truth be told.
Anyway, back to portland. Theres a guy a few seats over in cuffed skinny jeans and ironic nerd glasses to ease me back into what has now become my normal life.
PS when i win the lotto im going to buy a ranch out near ridgeway co and live there for the rest of my life with some dogs and a faithful horse. Any of you guys are welcome to live there. Ralph Lauren will be a ranch neighbor, so thats cool
And honestly, i feel as if most of the drama involving the entire family usually revolves around my brother and the fact that he is a complete fucking sociopath. Details are boring, but what it all comes down to is that if i weren't obligated by blood to love him, i would hate him. Kind of do anyway, truth be told.
Anyway, back to portland. Theres a guy a few seats over in cuffed skinny jeans and ironic nerd glasses to ease me back into what has now become my normal life.
PS when i win the lotto im going to buy a ranch out near ridgeway co and live there for the rest of my life with some dogs and a faithful horse. Any of you guys are welcome to live there. Ralph Lauren will be a ranch neighbor, so thats cool
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Monday, August 8, 2011
Saturday, August 6, 2011
i am such a fucking adult today
Today is saturday. Instead of sleeping in till 11 and not doing anything, I have done the following:
--woken up at 8
--gone to the bank
--had documents for my parents' will notarized
--filled up my gas tank
--downloaded study guides for my neuro exam
--gotten a leak repaired in my tire
...and its not even 12:30 yet. I'm not going to be able to do anything responsible for at least a week after this, my reserves are completely tapped.
--woken up at 8
--gone to the bank
--had documents for my parents' will notarized
--filled up my gas tank
--downloaded study guides for my neuro exam
--gotten a leak repaired in my tire
...and its not even 12:30 yet. I'm not going to be able to do anything responsible for at least a week after this, my reserves are completely tapped.
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Tuesday, August 2, 2011
just now in the library
Girl: (walks in and sets off the book sensor alarm thing) "Whoops!"
Guy: "Looks like someone's up to no good..."
Girl: "Yeah...I'm stealing the real world into the library."
I just thought there was something weirdly poetic about that.
Guy: "Looks like someone's up to no good..."
Girl: "Yeah...I'm stealing the real world into the library."
I just thought there was something weirdly poetic about that.
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Monday, August 1, 2011
tough reality check
Leonardo DiCaprio made $77,000,000 last year. My budget this week is $70. This is upsetting me on a much more visceral level than it should.
Also i feel really restless tonight for some reason, but instead of drinking camomile tea and reading a book, im on my second beer and third consecutive hour of shark week. Its kind of halfway dustin--like a dustin/katie hybrid. Ill call him/her Kustin.
There was just an ad for a horror/thriller type movie that revolves around sharks running amok and killing people, and there are explosions somehow, and everyones like "ahhh there's no stopping them!" Solution: MOVE INLAND RETARDS. Battle. Over.
Also i feel really restless tonight for some reason, but instead of drinking camomile tea and reading a book, im on my second beer and third consecutive hour of shark week. Its kind of halfway dustin--like a dustin/katie hybrid. Ill call him/her Kustin.
There was just an ad for a horror/thriller type movie that revolves around sharks running amok and killing people, and there are explosions somehow, and everyones like "ahhh there's no stopping them!" Solution: MOVE INLAND RETARDS. Battle. Over.
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