You know how in Twin Peaks for most of the first episode it just feels like a mundane, over-acted show, and then suddenly kyle mclachlan falls asleep and has the dream with the dancing midget in the red room and youre like "THIS IS SUDDENLY AWESOME, I TOTALLY GET IT"? Well, I performed my first successful cervical spine adjustment today, and that is EXACTLY what it felt like.
Its been a while. I think because its been sort of a strange time, and everything has had a quality of unreality that i didnt want to cheapen with an attempt at a description.
Ive been doing a bit a serious thinking over the past several months. For years i've been in seeker mode--always on the lookout for the next best thing, pursuing the things and places that i have thought ive wanted, and working to become a version of the person i qualify as "successful" in my head. Its been exciting and fun and painful and humbling. And not for the faint of heart.
But its also been a time of extreme uncertainty. And all the while a uniting question has been sort of threaded throughout the whole experience: is this what i really want, or is this what i WANT to want? Its such a first world dilemma--im in the extreme minority of human beings on the planet that has been given the opportunity, however undeserved, to pursue almost ANY path in life i can imagine. And yet somehow, instead of a gift (which it ALWAYS is, no matter how i may feel at any given moment), many times it feels like a burden as well. Because when i come to that multi-pronged fork in the road, what if i take the wrong one? What if i waste it all?
As a result of all of this over-thinking, i have sort of lapsed into a state of semi-paralysis. I dont know if i can call it depression. I dont feel sad. I just dont feel anything. No option in my path seems exciting or terrible. No decision seems good or bad. I dont love or hate anything. I nothing it.
But anyway, today the entire experience feels like it has come to a head. I can't live like this any more--it is such a waste of time and relationships, such a pissing away of the best and most functional years of my body, such a waste of an experience. Im not sure what the plan is, but im going to try and change things starting now. Im also going to publish this train of thought without sleeping on it or editing. I need to be held accountable, even if its to no one else but myself.
