ANGST!

Today is one of those days where how I feel inside and how things are outside are grossly mismatched.  I feel really happy and vibrant and am in the mood to exercise and complete tasks and clean house--just content and motivated.  But instead I'm sitting at work, watching the pouring rain that is likely the thing driving patients away from our dead office.  By the time I leave all of that desire will be gone, and by the time I actually get home all I will have to energy to do is change into sweatpants and watch SVU while I eat my boring paleo dinner.  It's really a shame, because I don't often feel this productive and manic, and I feel like it is being completely wasted.  Tomorrow I will be my usual even-keeled self, and all of those things I have the energy to get to this second will be left undone again.

I think the feel of day-to-day versus the way I will perceive these days in the future is one of the most frustrating aspects of the human experience.  I have nothing but good things going for me: I have a great job at a great practice, I live in a really great city with my sister and great friends, I'm deeply in love with a wonderful guy, and I'm set to move back to charleston late this year to begin a life with him and (very likely) a practice of my own.  I should be over the moon.  And I am.  But the repetition, the predictability, the Groundhog Day-ness of daily life is so incredibly wearing, that some days I have to win an argument with myself just to get myself out of bed.  Adulthood is a trap, which I have known for several years, but turning thirty has opened a window through which I can see the yawning, cavernous space that has yet to be filled by endless days of job and money-earning sameness.  Was my 21 year old, confused self who wanted to live in a beach shack and sell shell necklaces the right one?  Or will I find a happy medium between her and the fully-adult, boxes-made-of-ticky-tacky self that I see in the mirror every morning?  If I sound like an angsty fourteen year old, that's because that is exactly how I feel...but I'm simultaneously happy?