are you there god? it's me, kathleen.

Yesterday was the perfect day to lie to my family and tell them I had to work in order to have brunch with Erin and then go to Starbucks for a nonfat green tea latte and walk around downtown. So that is exactly what I did.

I was walking down the battery just like a million times before and was thinking back to the kind of person I was when I first arrived, and the emotions that came as a result were incredibly conflicted. When I look back at those first few months--before MUSC, before meeting any guys who complicated the uncomplicated, before I felt like I was settling in--all I remember was a constant feeling of euphoria. I was on top of the world. I would bound out of bed every day and stroll through the chill to my job, a mere 20 minutes walking distance. I worked with people that I loved, and had a platonic male friend with whom I did everything--like a relationship without the complications of sex and doomed attempts on his part at monogamy. I was trying new things--a new band, rock climbing, kayaking, helmet-less motorcycle rides, beach bonfires, all of the activities that people put on their "things to do before I die" list. I don't remember a time when I have been more content and happy at the same time. It was heaven.

I don't understand exactly what has happened between then and now to make me feel so incredibly different, but when I break it down I am horrified to discover that the majority (it's too embarrassing to say "all") of my drama and sadness and anger since that time has been caused exclusively by the guys I have dated. The first shouldn't have been more than a blip but somehow managed to leave a significant scar on my ego. The second should have been ended around 3 days after it started but lasted 8 months. And the third is one that I'm not even embarrassed to admit I wish had lasted, and I am still tempted to call almost every day but don't. Three very distinct types of pain, all piled on in a space of around 18 months.

Perhaps I should be grateful. Some people have to suffer for years before having this many bad experiences, so I might just be really lucky to get all of the bad firsts out of the way in such a wham-bam-thank-you-ma'am style. It still sucks, but in the infinitely wise words of Aunt Sarah, "life sucks."

All this angst aside, the one thing I can take much comfort in is my level of general contentment with my life. Even at my lowest point, there was never a time when I doubted that things would get better, and there was never a time when I wasn't grateful for all of the good things in my life. And when all is said and done, I have never been unhappy alone. Ever.

That may or may not have read like a Judy Blume novel, but whatever. I know that the people who read this will love me anyway. Which, by the way, is something else I am grateful for.

post election honeymoon phase

I get so excited every time I see Barack Obama's face. He just makes me smile. Last night at the gym I was rifling through the new magazines trying to find some reading material for my workout, and either he or Michelle or the entire family was on the cover of almost every one. I was just standing there smiling like a fool. I don't think I've ever understood the expression "it's always darkest before the dawn" quite the way I do now.

i'm typing this with a really stressed-out looking face so my boss thinks i'm working

This is officially my new favorite drink. Over Diet Coke, which has consistently been my favorite since around the 8th grade. So this is a big day for me. Unfortunately, I learned from a yankee friend that I hang out with that drinking Mountain Dew in general is considered to be a sign of a redneck upbringing. To which I counter, so what? I'll admit there are a lot of things about my family that are a little bit white-trash. Seventies model Jeep on blocks in back yard? Check. Three legged coonhound? Check. Giant brushpile which is recklessly lit by a male member of my family once every two months or so in the immediate vicinity of low-hanging tree branches? Check. Sure, each of these things on its own is kind of trashy, but I like to think that when we do it, its more quirky and eccentric. Therefore, me drinking Mountain Dew is also quirky. Now if you'll excuse me, I have an Elvis-shaped jello mold that my cousin Beaufort gave me in celebration of Confederate Memorial Day that needs to be filled and refrigerated.

i am about to write the meanest thing

Is it bad that when I heard that on the news that DHL is cutting all domestic ground and air shipments, my first thought was "thank god, I hate having to get up and let the damn DHL guy in every day"? That is seriously the first thing that popped into my head. In my defense, he has openly admitted to being too damn lazy to just get an access badge like all the other guys (ie, UPS, FedEx, etc). I do genuinely feel bad for the remaining 9,499 people out there losing their jobs though.

So I'm as asshole. Sue me.

something kind of terrifying happened earlier.

Umm, something really weird happened to me this morning. I was reading the Post Secret blog like I do every Monday morning and I came across this one:



So I read it, and I just sat there staring at the screen for a couple of seconds, and then I started crying. Like REALLY crying. As in, I had to excuse myself and run down to the bathroom and lock myself in and sit there until I could get it under control, and the people passing me in the hall were stopping and asking if I was ok.

The last time I can remember just breaking down like that in public for no reason was in the fourth grade. I had been having a really hard time with my parents and in school, and one day class ended and when my teacher asked me a couple of minutes later why I was still sitting there, I just fell the fuck apart. But I was in the fourth grade.

So anyway, I don't know what the hell is going on, but it really scared me, because until recently I have been one of the most poker-faced people I know when it comes to my feelings. And I really don't want to lose that.

here's to one of the most important tomorrows of our lives

Everyone knows that I originally supported Hillary and thought that she was like the greatest thing on the planet and would probably have completely reversed the economic crisis and cured cancer and AIDS and started a colony on Mars and established lasting peace between Palestine and Israel within the first few days of her presidency had she won.
That being said, I don't know what I'm going to do if Barack doesn't win. He is an inspiring, unifying force that is desperately needed right this second in our world's history. Even if half of all the stuff he promises turns out to be bullshit, I still think that the power of what he symbolizes on even the most superficial of levels would be enough to dramatically improve the standing of the US in the eyes of those who have lost faith in us (read: everyone). He is our chance to turn things around. I really hope we don't blow this one.