on my mind

Thoreau said "the mass of men lead lives of quiet desperation." I used to always heed that quote as a warning, sort of cautionary example of how not to be and what not to become. But now i'm starting to wonder if I identify with that state of existence more I realized before. Now that I've got a few years of post-collegiate living behind me, I am starting to notice some surprising patterns in my life and the way I am choosing to live it. I am generally happy in my life, but also seem to always be in pursuit of that sort of rare enlightened happiness, the kind that you remember from childhood but only ever seem to experience in fleeting and unexpected ways as an adult. I feel like the pursuit of.this kind of contentment has driven me far from home, because the assumption is that.the source is elsewhere, waiting to be found. This drive has definitely made my life interesting. It has led me to experiences and places that I never would have otherwise encountered.
But sometimes I wish I didn't have it. I wish I wasn't always on the hunt, always looking to things I don't have and places I don't live as souces of fulfillment. Because ultimately I don't know where to look. Its all a giant shot in the dark, a hope that some day I will stumble upon that unknown something and then I will be complete. I feel desperate sometimes. But quietly so. So suddenly, after taking some of the biggest steps of my life in what I thought was the direction of my purpose, I understand thoreau and his words more than ever. When he went to live at walden pond I don't think that he was speaking of that mass of men from a position above them. I think that he was speaking as one of them. What other reason was there to go?