what of the wretched hollow

Something really strange happened today and its throwing me for a loop. Normally I don't like to acknowledge death beyond personal reflection because it is so easy to go from honoring a person's memory to making grief all about yourself. But I figure since only like 5 people read this, and they all like me, that I'm ok.

I was in Portland this past week, and on Monday I went into a record store to pick up some CDs. There was an attractive half-asian guy with a hipster-style mustache working the counter, and for the first time in I don't know how long I was reminded of this guy Greg. Who I barely even knew. It was weird that he even came to mind, as we only met a couple of times, and never even interacted outside of his and Carmen's house parties. But I knew a lot about him, simply because of how highly regarded he was by Kelly and a bunch of other mutual friends. From what I gather he was one rad dude.

Today I found out that he took his own life Tuesday. I feel very affected by it, but not in a melodramatic 'someone i know died, oh what a shame' type way. I feel affected by it because something like this makes you realize that you never really know what someone is going through. I've experienced emotional pain that at the time felt bottomless and toxic, but never once did I feel that I wanted to end it in such a permanent way. What he must have been feeling had to be unbearable. And if this was indeed a situation where no one saw it coming, trying to cover it up with positive affectations had to be even worse.

I know what the bible says about stuff like this. Everyone down here does. But I would like to believe that our God is more compassionate than we have made him out to be. I hope Greg's ok.