Tuesday, May 26, 2009
about:blank
Heather got married this weekend, and bless my black stony little heart I was the biggest mo-foing train wreck for the entire ceremony and various points in the reception. I don't know if its because she is my first big-deal friend to get married or what, but the second her mom rounded the corner I started getting a little misty, and when she came into full view I was just boo-hooing and wiping away soggy mascara and using my scarf as the world's most disgusting kleenex. Plus side? Both of her hot cousins John and Matt were there, and the one that I remembered from high school has somehow morphed into Brad Pitt over the past 6 years or so. Downside? He's married. Other plus side? The other hot cousin isn't. Other downside? I never spoke to either of them, except to say idiotically to John "Oh my god did you take that picture? It is SOOOOO pretty!" in reference to one of the display pictures next to the cake. Anyway, overall it was fun, then I got aids.
Wednesday, May 20, 2009
second favorite moment from along came polly
Claude: It is like zee story of zee hippo.
Reuben: I'm not familiar with that story.
Claude: Zee hippopotamus, he is not born going, 'cool bean, I am hippo.' No way Jose! So he tried to paint zee stripe on himself to be like zee, uh, zee zebra, but he fool no one. And zen he tried to put zee spot on his skin to be like zee leopard, but eveyone know he is a hippo. So, at certain point, he look to himself in zee mirror, an he just say, 'hey, I am a hippopotamus, and zere is nozing I can do about it.' And as soon as he accept zis, he live life happy. Happy as a hippo. You understand?"
Reuben: ...I'm gonna kill you!
Reuben: I'm not familiar with that story.
Claude: Zee hippopotamus, he is not born going, 'cool bean, I am hippo.' No way Jose! So he tried to paint zee stripe on himself to be like zee, uh, zee zebra, but he fool no one. And zen he tried to put zee spot on his skin to be like zee leopard, but eveyone know he is a hippo. So, at certain point, he look to himself in zee mirror, an he just say, 'hey, I am a hippopotamus, and zere is nozing I can do about it.' And as soon as he accept zis, he live life happy. Happy as a hippo. You understand?"
Reuben: ...I'm gonna kill you!
Monday, May 4, 2009
Thursday, April 30, 2009
news from today
I'm borrowing Jimmy's roommate's car today because Emily's broke down and she wanted to take mine to Columbia to save on gas. In the center console alone there is a geode, a megalodon tooth, and a paperweight with a scorpion in it. I've never met this dude but I kind of want to now.
Also, I went to read with my friend Katie for a role that she is auditioning for in some independent horror movie, and am pretty sure I almost had to make out with her. I mean, I guess if he had actually asked us to follow the cues I would have taken one for the team and done it to help her out, but come on. Lesbo action in a low budget horror film is just, well...gay.
Also, I went to read with my friend Katie for a role that she is auditioning for in some independent horror movie, and am pretty sure I almost had to make out with her. I mean, I guess if he had actually asked us to follow the cues I would have taken one for the team and done it to help her out, but come on. Lesbo action in a low budget horror film is just, well...gay.
Wednesday, April 29, 2009
oh geez...
I plucked the following note off of the windshield of my car yesterday:
At first, I was so happy it wasn't a parking ticket that I did a merry jig around to the side of my car in celebration. But after the jubilation wore off and reality set back in, I re-read the note and became rather annoyed. My problems with this note are as follows:
1. I was in a completely legal spot. Just because it is inconvenient that a person parked behind you does not make that person in question a moron. Nor does it make that person inconsiderate. All it means is that life teaches tough lessons sometimes. The lesson that should have been learned in this case is that if there are three parallel spaces in a row and you need copious access to your 'back bay' (I assume that means 'trunk'), don't park in the middle space.
2. I can't imagine a situation in which I would be so helpless that I couldn't remedy a situation like this without soliciting hysterical help from a complete stranger. Solution: put you existing kid in its carseat, pull out of the offending spot, open the trunk, and throw the goddamn stroller in. This is not a difficult problem to solve.
3. Unless you are Jesus Christ, King of Heaven and All Earthly Parking Spaces, you can't just have someone towed from a public space because you feel like it. I feel like the woman is lucky she didn't call the towing company because they probably would have had a good laugh at her expense before telling her to chill the fuck out.
4. Obviously this woman does not know me personally, because if she did she would know to NEVER, under any circumstances, pull the pregnancy card if you expect any sympathy from me. Oh, you have a baby? Oh, you're having another baby? Not my fucking problem. Just because you've been knocked up twice does not mean that the rules of society will suddenly change to make things easier for you.
Anyway, this one's for you Pregnant Harpy, whoever you are...
At first, I was so happy it wasn't a parking ticket that I did a merry jig around to the side of my car in celebration. But after the jubilation wore off and reality set back in, I re-read the note and became rather annoyed. My problems with this note are as follows:
1. I was in a completely legal spot. Just because it is inconvenient that a person parked behind you does not make that person in question a moron. Nor does it make that person inconsiderate. All it means is that life teaches tough lessons sometimes. The lesson that should have been learned in this case is that if there are three parallel spaces in a row and you need copious access to your 'back bay' (I assume that means 'trunk'), don't park in the middle space.
2. I can't imagine a situation in which I would be so helpless that I couldn't remedy a situation like this without soliciting hysterical help from a complete stranger. Solution: put you existing kid in its carseat, pull out of the offending spot, open the trunk, and throw the goddamn stroller in. This is not a difficult problem to solve.
3. Unless you are Jesus Christ, King of Heaven and All Earthly Parking Spaces, you can't just have someone towed from a public space because you feel like it. I feel like the woman is lucky she didn't call the towing company because they probably would have had a good laugh at her expense before telling her to chill the fuck out.
4. Obviously this woman does not know me personally, because if she did she would know to NEVER, under any circumstances, pull the pregnancy card if you expect any sympathy from me. Oh, you have a baby? Oh, you're having another baby? Not my fucking problem. Just because you've been knocked up twice does not mean that the rules of society will suddenly change to make things easier for you.
Anyway, this one's for you Pregnant Harpy, whoever you are...
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