im about to talk about nothing for several paragraphs

This has been the best/most useless day. I woke up at 11. Then I sat in bed and read for a little while. Then I sat in bed and watched like 3 hours of season two of The Office. Then I went and took a bath and continued watching The Office. Now I am finally dressed and presentable, and I am writing this blog because someone took my car and i am stuck at home (not really, I could technically drive the van, but whatevs). I am also looking at my senior portrait across the room and noticing how completely awkward and unattractive I was in high school. I'm not saying I'm such a babe now, but I'm pretty sure I don't look like that.

I’m also wearing a really gay outfit.

Despite all that, I’m feeling pretty good. This time at home has completely recharged me, and I still have four entire days left before I have to return. Sweet.

I talked to Gaby today for the first time in like a year, and every time I talk to her I am reminded again of why I love her so much in the first place. She is like a alternate universe version of me—she’s keyed up and hyper and has all these weird digestive problems and worries all the time which is completely the opposite of me, but I feel like we are fundamentally very very similar. And she cracks me up more than almost anyone I know.

I’ve been researching Chiropractic schools on and off since I’ve been home and pretty much have my heart set on the one that I found in Portland. This is pretty on-par with the way I make major decisions in my life—last minute and more or less at random, with very little prior research—so I am feeling very set in my decision. I have to take another physics class before I go (which I can only see being relevant in the coming years if I have to take a part time job as an aeronautical engineer to cover my expenses during school), but whatever, that’s fine.

I found out today that my great uncle Dick in Wisconsin died late last night. It really upsets me to think about. Not because we spent a huge amount of time together but because I have such great memories of my time up there, and it is very definitely the end of an era. I kind of wonder how my Mom is feeling—she always talks about the summers that she would spend as a kid at their house by the lake, and how much she loved that time there. Now the house will change hands for the first time in 50 years, and the new owners will come in with their paint swatches and their renovations and their new furniture sets from the Pottery Barn, and it will be like he was never even there. It’s so strange, because it seems like there should be something really concrete left after all of the time and history and family and love and stories, but all that will be left are photographs, ultimately. It just makes me wonder how long before this kind of thing starts happening for me, closer to home. How much longer I’ll recognize my own life, I guess.

no offense, 2008, but good mo-foing riddance

This is the first year ever that I have seen New Years as a significant milestone or holiday. 2008 has been the roughest gig ever, and I just can't even explain how happy I am to see it gone. I suppose when I look back I will see it as a very important, educational time in my life, when I developed street smarts (or as many street smarts as a person in my sitation would ever need) and a thicker skin. However, right now I can't really see past the black, poisonous film that currently coats most of my memories from this past year. I suppose it is just too soon.

And who knows, maybe none of the bad memories I have right now will even make it into my future. I know that looking back even five years ago I recall almost nothing bad from that time, even though I know it was a stressful and scary time.

It's funny to me how as you experience different things you start to see wisdom in the chiches that you once poked fun at or laughed over (possibly even STILL poke fun at). The other day I was in that insane store in TR where the old Howze Mortuary used to be, and there was this little sign on the wall--it was painted with a hidous whimsical fairy type motif, and in script font it had that old Mark Twain quote "be who you are and say what you feel, cause those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind." And even as I was pointing and laughing and wondering aloud who the hell would ever hang that thing in their house, I couldn't help but internalize the meaning of the quote. And now it's important to me. If the the sign hadn't been so fucking hideous I may have considered buying it. It's kind of a dumb example, but it seemed significant at the time. You know, like that time Kelly saw John Tesh.

Anyhoes, I've been really laying low the past several days, trying to kind of refocus myself and remember the way I used to be before I let insignificant and weak people get into my life/head and fuck me up. Adults always say that kids think they know it all--but honestly I think at one point I really did know it all...I just let myself get off track. I remember being much wiser at one point for some reason. I hope one day I can get back to that place.

So for new years I will strive to do the following things. I will only let people in my life if there is something in it for me--no more fixer-uppers (I believe this has been the biggest downfall of them all). I will try to make my time at work more constructive--begin researching schools, taking neccessary classes, and planning for the future. I'll focus more on my music--I'd like to feel educated and proficient at all of the instruments I play, not just a hack that happens to sound good. And lastly and most randomly, I'm going to allow myself to cry more. I'm pretty sure that my bizarre work meltdown over that postsecret postcard was just misplaced sadness that had no outlet.

So yeah, new leaf. Again. I'm optimistic that this time I'll be successful. And thanks so much guys, for being there for me when I was such a mess over the past few months, it really meant so much.

Also, I love how my hatred of 2008 is all about my problems in my personal life and has nothing to do with the stock market crash, mortgage crisis, and subsequent economic meltdown. It's nice being young.

fuck you anne geddes

I googled "sunflowers" with the sole intention of finding a horrible closeup of a sunflower and then posting it on here under the title "boo", just to terrify Kelly. And this image was like, one of the first ones that came up. Instant karma--universe:1, katie:0.

i decided five seconds ago

My next haircut is going to be this one:



Of course certain aspects remain to be seen about this 'do. Namely, is it even possible--i'll have to check on whether this was an actual haircut or if the majority of Charlize Theron's head was just computer generated for the movie. Also, will I have the willpower to grow it out long enough so that when I cut it, it has that one super-long strand there on the side? It has taken everything I have in me to get it to chin-length, so hopefully I won't randomly snap and end up cutting it all off in my sleep or something.

frick, i spent 130 dollars on two items at banana republic yesterday

Justification: one of the items cost 100 bucks and was a gift.

Whew, had to get that one off of my chest. I always feel really weird about spending money on clothes, probably because in the back of my mind I know that any given item of clothing anywhere is actually worth around 2 dollars in raw textiles. Plus the dollar a day that they paid the 3-year-old indian kid who sewed it together.

I'm supposed to be at a video/teleconference with the botanical center in Clemson right now. I wrote out the word "video/teleconference" to see if it comes off as self-important in print as it does out loud. It does.

Question: if I were to go to the Macstore and falsely claim that I am an MUSC student for a discount on a new computer even though I am definitely not a student, could I get into any type of legal trouble? I was in there before and was testing the waters asking if I could use my ID for a discount on an Ipod, and all they did was look at my extremely arbitrary-looking ID and them write down "MUSC" on a sheet of scrap paper. On a related subject, I think I am starting to understand why I scored so incredibly low on the ethics quiz that I took online the other day. What can I say, I'm not a person who is opposed to scamming The Man.

are you there god? it's me, kathleen.

Yesterday was the perfect day to lie to my family and tell them I had to work in order to have brunch with Erin and then go to Starbucks for a nonfat green tea latte and walk around downtown. So that is exactly what I did.

I was walking down the battery just like a million times before and was thinking back to the kind of person I was when I first arrived, and the emotions that came as a result were incredibly conflicted. When I look back at those first few months--before MUSC, before meeting any guys who complicated the uncomplicated, before I felt like I was settling in--all I remember was a constant feeling of euphoria. I was on top of the world. I would bound out of bed every day and stroll through the chill to my job, a mere 20 minutes walking distance. I worked with people that I loved, and had a platonic male friend with whom I did everything--like a relationship without the complications of sex and doomed attempts on his part at monogamy. I was trying new things--a new band, rock climbing, kayaking, helmet-less motorcycle rides, beach bonfires, all of the activities that people put on their "things to do before I die" list. I don't remember a time when I have been more content and happy at the same time. It was heaven.

I don't understand exactly what has happened between then and now to make me feel so incredibly different, but when I break it down I am horrified to discover that the majority (it's too embarrassing to say "all") of my drama and sadness and anger since that time has been caused exclusively by the guys I have dated. The first shouldn't have been more than a blip but somehow managed to leave a significant scar on my ego. The second should have been ended around 3 days after it started but lasted 8 months. And the third is one that I'm not even embarrassed to admit I wish had lasted, and I am still tempted to call almost every day but don't. Three very distinct types of pain, all piled on in a space of around 18 months.

Perhaps I should be grateful. Some people have to suffer for years before having this many bad experiences, so I might just be really lucky to get all of the bad firsts out of the way in such a wham-bam-thank-you-ma'am style. It still sucks, but in the infinitely wise words of Aunt Sarah, "life sucks."

All this angst aside, the one thing I can take much comfort in is my level of general contentment with my life. Even at my lowest point, there was never a time when I doubted that things would get better, and there was never a time when I wasn't grateful for all of the good things in my life. And when all is said and done, I have never been unhappy alone. Ever.

That may or may not have read like a Judy Blume novel, but whatever. I know that the people who read this will love me anyway. Which, by the way, is something else I am grateful for.

post election honeymoon phase

I get so excited every time I see Barack Obama's face. He just makes me smile. Last night at the gym I was rifling through the new magazines trying to find some reading material for my workout, and either he or Michelle or the entire family was on the cover of almost every one. I was just standing there smiling like a fool. I don't think I've ever understood the expression "it's always darkest before the dawn" quite the way I do now.