This is the first year ever that I have seen New Years as a significant milestone or holiday. 2008 has been the roughest gig ever, and I just can't even explain how happy I am to see it gone. I suppose when I look back I will see it as a very important, educational time in my life, when I developed street smarts (or as many street smarts as a person in my sitation would ever need) and a thicker skin. However, right now I can't really see past the black, poisonous film that currently coats most of my memories from this past year. I suppose it is just too soon.
And who knows, maybe none of the bad memories I have right now will even make it into my future. I know that looking back even five years ago I recall almost nothing bad from that time, even though I know it was a stressful and scary time.
It's funny to me how as you experience different things you start to see wisdom in the chiches that you once poked fun at or laughed over (possibly even STILL poke fun at). The other day I was in that insane store in TR where the old Howze Mortuary used to be, and there was this little sign on the wall--it was painted with a hidous whimsical fairy type motif, and in script font it had that old Mark Twain quote "be who you are and say what you feel, cause those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind." And even as I was pointing and laughing and wondering aloud who the hell would ever hang that thing in their house, I couldn't help but internalize the meaning of the quote. And now it's important to me. If the the sign hadn't been so fucking hideous I may have considered buying it. It's kind of a dumb example, but it seemed significant at the time. You know, like that time Kelly saw John Tesh.
Anyhoes, I've been really laying low the past several days, trying to kind of refocus myself and remember the way I used to be before I let insignificant and weak people get into my life/head and fuck me up. Adults always say that kids think they know it all--but honestly I think at one point I really did know it all...I just let myself get off track. I remember being much wiser at one point for some reason. I hope one day I can get back to that place.
So for new years I will strive to do the following things. I will only let people in my life if there is something in it for me--no more fixer-uppers (I believe this has been the biggest downfall of them all). I will try to make my time at work more constructive--begin researching schools, taking neccessary classes, and planning for the future. I'll focus more on my music--I'd like to feel educated and proficient at all of the instruments I play, not just a hack that happens to sound good. And lastly and most randomly, I'm going to allow myself to cry more. I'm pretty sure that my bizarre work meltdown over that postsecret postcard was just misplaced sadness that had no outlet.
So yeah, new leaf. Again. I'm optimistic that this time I'll be successful. And thanks so much guys, for being there for me when I was such a mess over the past few months, it really meant so much.
Also, I love how my hatred of 2008 is all about my problems in my personal life and has nothing to do with the stock market crash, mortgage crisis, and subsequent economic meltdown. It's nice being young.
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