love letter

Querida Charleston,

My remaining time with you is being counted in days rather than weeks now, and I am becoming increasingly anxious. I have never been able to come out and say all of the the things I want to say, so hopefully this letter will be a passable alternative.

I just want to say thank you for all of the things you have given me while I have been here. Thank you my first house here, and the ability it gave me to live comfortably in an area that most would find less than desirable. I loved my walks to work from there, because even on the days when I was nearly suffocated by the oppressive heat and jasmine, I still got to pass by the house with the sky-blue porch ceiling and the purple hammock. Imagining what it would be like to live there always helped to distract and cool me down.

Thanks for the people that I've met in my time here. I don't know how you manage timing so effortlessly, but it seems that every person I have met here came into my life at the exact moment that I needed them. Or that they needed me. Thank you for my first real friend here, and for allowing me to witness him literally rise like a phoenix from the ashes of his former life--from the moment I met him he has inspired me try things I've never considered and pursue goals despite the risk of failure. He helped me achieve my first legit pull-up. I'll never forget it.

Thank you for my sister. For a long while, we were all the other had here, and I clung to her for dear life in that time before I found solid ground. She has known me longer than anyone and understands me for better or worse. The summary of us: we laugh and we sing.

Thank you for the one who almost destroyed me. Because of him I was able to experience depth of emotion both exhilarating and highly dangerous. After the fall I thought there was no way I could survive, couldn't picture myself ever feeling innocent and happy again. Significant parts of me died and rotted in that time, but during that endless in-between something else grew back in the hollow space, something much more glowing and resilient and compassionate than before. I am a better human because of it. I feel as if I could survive anything. And while I would never wish the experience on anyone, I would also never take it back.

Thank you for the ones who saved me after. For the one who sat with me while I cried and cried. For the one who was far off, yet with me every step of the way. They hated him for me when I didn't have the strength to, they were my warriors. For the one who gave me a new voice for my pent up emotion, a graceful and physical avenue to express my fury, and later my joy. She showed me what strength in the face of tremendous loss looks like, and unknowingly provided perspective when it was desperately needed

Thank you for the women in my life, my Mother, my Raven-Haired Sister, and all of my Amazons. They are precious to me in a way that I'm not sure a man could ever be, no matter how much I may grow to love him.

Thank you for the men in my life, my Father, my Brothers, all the ones who are good and strong and offer me protection free from motive. Sometimes in anger I forget them, wrongly lump them in with the others who have hurt me. Despite this, they love me anyway, and I am so grateful.

Thank you for the empty beach in the moonlight. For beers around a fire. For This American Life. For The O.C. Christmas trees and home-made salsa. The bridge. Stingrays. Music and dancing, both drunk and sober. The harbor and its scent. Three dollar burger night. The climbing wall. Twilight. Green tea lattes with soy milk. Earthfare. I could never repay you for it all. I'm leaving soon, but I love you more than ever. You are my beautiful mooring, my most lovely harbor.

i luuuv ranch sauce

i do. i forgot about it for a while but since i've been eating so many vegetables lately it has sort of become a necessity, since without it the act of eating would be completely joyless (aside: no matter what you do to them, green peppers are ALWAYS gross). new eating habits are going very well, but they will face their first major test this weekend during Easter--I figure I will cope by giving myself a Cadbury egg allowance (the little crunchy ones, not the big ones with the yellow shit in the middle.

i've been majorly postponing all of my moving arrangements. i think because once i start packing i will really feel like i'm leaving, and i don't want to feel like i'm leaving until i really AM leaving--it stresses me out otherwise.

on monday i'm going to see Joy in Aiken for the last time--she got a position as an anchor at a news station in Louisiana and will be moving as well in about a week. but as her final act as a local celebrity she scored us tickets to the Masters in Augusta. now, i don't give a damn about golf, i think its the most boring sport in the universe. but to see tiger woods at his first tournament since he was exposed as a nasty egotistical homewrecking slut? DON'T MIND IF I DO. i feel like i'm going to see a rare animal at a zoo. not unlike an actual tiger i suppose.

i'm going to become more fit, i've decided

I'm trying to sap every last remnant of benefits out of MUSC before I leave in a month--I've scheduled like every doctor's appointment that I can think of and have been jacking splenda packets from the doc's lounge like CRAZY. Also, since I'm all the time working out but don't really see any body changes to speak of, I also booked appointments with the nutritionist and exercise counselor over at the Weight Management Center.

Something I immediately noticed is that if you go into a place called the Weight Management Center and are NOT morbidly obese, people look at you like "what the hell are you doing here?" It's decidedly uncomfortable, but they way I look at it, just because I'm not overweight doesn't mean I don't have to actively manage my lifestyle in order to keep it that way. I didn't appreciate the judgement, is all I'm saying.

So the nutritionist was a bit of a bummer in that she told me to completely overhaul the way I'm eating. Evidently I was ballooning a bit in the portion size department, as well as eating like 5000% more starch than I should. The good part is that there was a change to be made--I wasn't just doing everything right and still not seeing results. So she was cool, whatever, I followed the plan for a week and lost .6 lbs. Neat.

Yesterday though, I met with the exercise counselor, Alicia. When I first saw her, I was like cool, she's young, stylish, fit, everything my superficial heart could ever want in a trainer/counselor. She seriously looked like a fitness model for Shape or something. She went through my regimen and then we just sat talking for a while, but I noticed that she kept making joking remarks about being old as the hills, blah blah, which confused and discouraged me because I assumed that she was maybe ten years old than me. So finally I asked her how old she was. The answer? FIFTY. This woman is fifty years old and looks like Jillian Michaels. All I can say is that after that, I was buying whatever she was selling. I told her if I look like her at fifty I'm gonna have tshirts made up or something.

So I meet with her again in three weeks. And the thing is I'm going to work really hard at the plan she gave me because I would sort of rather die than disappoint her. What a badass.





This is her--it's not the clearest picture but you get the general idea.

I wonder if she and the guy get together???

Emily and I were watching this preview when we rented New Moon the other night. We were totally underwhelmed for like 70% trailer, and then suddenly that Taylor Swift song kicked in. Twenty seconds later both of us were all giggly and gushing about how we HAD to see this movie omg! It's amazing what music can do. Not to mention I would very much like to be Vanessa Redgrave when I grow up.

This is so Jared Vaughn

bad romance

"Some women choose to follow men, and some women choose to follow their dreams. If you're wondering which way to go, remember that you career will never wake up and tell you that it doesn't love you anymore."

Gaga said this in Cosmo. I truly believe this sentiment, but don't like to say it out loud because, well, who the hell do I think I am, you know? To verbalize it just sounds bitter, when it's not. Rather, it's just one of those difficult truths, I think. Anyway, I feel weirdly vindicated to hear this coming from her. It gives it a validation that I feel like it didn't have before. Probably because she is like, the biggest badass on the planet.

Happy Alice In Wonderland Day!

Unfortunately I can't see it till next week. Until then, this will have to do.