At the same time though, everyone I know right now--everyone--will be gone in a year. We will be scattered across the country/planet exactly the way we were before we first met. And I 'll be starting over once more, probably in a new city, possibly (but hopefully not) still far away from my safety net. I've always prided myself on being a solitary ship in the night, but as I get older it starts to get harder. I have a feeling like maybe I'd like to settle somewhere more permanently, but at the same time I haven't the first clue where I want to go. I feel lonesome for the first time (but not lonely, I feel like there's a difference)--like I can't talk about what I'm feeling because I honestly don't know how. There's no way to connect. It feels flat, and melancholy.
Tuesday, November 27, 2012
*
I'm in the midst of my typical post-get-together blues, wherein I am depressed for 2-4 days following time spent with my best friends and/or family. I hate that I feel like this--I have managed to develop solid friendships with a number of people here and genuinely enjoy my life, but these relationships tend to feel relatively hollow compared to the people I just left. It feels ungrateful, or stubborn or something, as if I'm actively preventing myself from forming deeper bonds with newer people because I know I have this other, permanent safety net of communication and understanding.
At the same time though, everyone I know right now--everyone--will be gone in a year. We will be scattered across the country/planet exactly the way we were before we first met. And I 'll be starting over once more, probably in a new city, possibly (but hopefully not) still far away from my safety net. I've always prided myself on being a solitary ship in the night, but as I get older it starts to get harder. I have a feeling like maybe I'd like to settle somewhere more permanently, but at the same time I haven't the first clue where I want to go. I feel lonesome for the first time (but not lonely, I feel like there's a difference)--like I can't talk about what I'm feeling because I honestly don't know how. There's no way to connect. It feels flat, and melancholy.
At the same time though, everyone I know right now--everyone--will be gone in a year. We will be scattered across the country/planet exactly the way we were before we first met. And I 'll be starting over once more, probably in a new city, possibly (but hopefully not) still far away from my safety net. I've always prided myself on being a solitary ship in the night, but as I get older it starts to get harder. I have a feeling like maybe I'd like to settle somewhere more permanently, but at the same time I haven't the first clue where I want to go. I feel lonesome for the first time (but not lonely, I feel like there's a difference)--like I can't talk about what I'm feeling because I honestly don't know how. There's no way to connect. It feels flat, and melancholy.
Sunday, November 11, 2012
i guess im crazy now
There is something about being in school that makes you feel as though you are standing in one place doing nothing for 4 years, when in actuality you are accomplishing a lot, I guess. My friend Anna and I were semi-joking the other day about how depressing a graph of our day-to-day lives would be, and then after we were done semi-joking I launched into a full fledged not-joking investigation of what this graph would look like. After some intense self-reflection that took about 3 minutes, I made an actual color-coded pie chart of my daily thought processes. Oh god, is this how I entertain myself now? It's been raining for 6 weeks (out of 36)!! I have an actual "raincoat" board on Pinterest dedicated to raincoats!!! I HAVE A PINTEREST!!!! AHHHHHHHHH
Thursday, November 1, 2012
WOOOooooo
Just got this email from my newest patient--I was actually frustrated and kind of bummed after her visit because I couldn't get her thoracics to move the way I wanted and was feeling all fail-y. I don't think she has any idea what this email meant to me. Total BUZZ.
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