current mood: sick and tired

For some reason I have been in a kind of depression over the past few days. I think it has something to do with being "sick" and having a lot of down time to actually hear myself think. Normally I love thinking and just hanging out with myself, but at this point I am still kind of trying to get over my whole blow-up with Dan, so that tends to be where my mind always wanders. And it's ridiculous, because it's been over two months since it ended but sometimes the most random things trigger memories and its like it happened yesterday. It's the biggest cliche ever, but even things that have nothing to do with him make me think of him. So lame.

The strange part is that I know I'm better off without him, and I know for certain that he wasn't the person that I was supposed to be with forever. Maybe its that I was never REALLY with him in the first place. I remember being so hurt at the fact that as each week passed I would become more and more attached while he seemed content to just keep things as casual as possible. I would think "how could he NOT be falling in love with me right now??" and I think that's what kept me in the relationship for so long--the determination to make him feel something for me. Maybe that's all any type of broken-heart is--the shock and pain of realizing that not everyone is going to think you're as worthy of their love as you do. I guess I'm lucky to have made it all the way to 23 without feeling that way before, but it doesn't make it suck any less.

Its so embarassing, because I never pictured myself as the type of person who would find herself in this situation. I mean, I'm handling it the way I usually handle the end of an involvement with someone (that is, cutting them off entirely), but this time its much more difficult to let it go. Its like I'm not as immune to feeling as I used to be, which is surprising because you would think you would get tougher with age, not more vulnerable. My sister keeps wanting to "talk about it," but for me, after the initial dish, talking it out just doesn't help that much. As a matter of fact it tends to make it worse, kind of like picking a scab and reopening a cut.

I think I just need to tough it out for a few more months. He's going to be deployed in December, so there will be a physical separation--I won't have to live five minutes down the street from him, wondering what he's doing or who he's with. The weather will be cold, I'll get to see my three main ladies all at the same time, and then it will be a New Year.

P.S. Is it lame that Sex and the City has been really instrumental in helping me though a lot of this? Its just comforting to know that even though your problems feel very specific to you, they are actually common enough to provide the themes for entire episodes of a TV series.